Raw Number 14

Straight into the Raw theme this week, and we're right back to Manhattan Center for Raw with Vince, Savage and.........BOBBY HEENAN!! Yes! The Weasel is here, and no sign of Rob Bartlett. Let's hope he has gone forever.

Vince says we can look forward to Lex Luger v "The original Hawaiian", Crush. Vince says Shawn Michaels will be on hand as well, and Heenan says Michaels is the greatest IC champ of all time.

Once the annoying siren (the one slightly less annoying than Bartlett) shuts up, Howard Finkel announces Damien Demento, the man from "The Outer reaches of your mind". That, I think, is the most stupid hometown in wrestling history. It's far from Perfect, isn't it?

Speaking of Perfect (Holy segues Batman!) his opponent is none other than..........MAX MOON! No, I'm only kidding - it's Mr Perfect. They address Bartlett's absence (sort of) and Bobby says he is going to be there every Monday from now on (Thank God!)

Perfect has the early advantage, while Damian wanders (and wonders) around the ring, hearing voices. When he gets back in the ring he ridiculously oversells a kick from Perfect, before catapulting Hennig into the cameraman at ringside. Vince plays up that Perfect and Shawn Michaels have been at odds.

Heenan demonstrates a perfect (sorry, I did it again) piece of heel commentary, talking up how Hennig is :one of the gifted athletes in the world....he can do it all.......but he's not that bright a guy." Terrific commentary - he builds him up, then says something stupid about why he hates him. Superb.

Demento seizes the opportunity, and takes control for a while, before the momentum swings back Hennig's way. As of course it should. Perfect hits a series of his favorite moves, including a kneelift and snap neckbreaker, but Demento turns the tide - briefly. A splash hits Perfect's raised knees, and after a Perfect Plex, this one's over.

Vince says Savage has adopted a school - don't let him teach them English. A small girl in a darkened room under a spotlight reads an essay, and it's something to do with the school thing. She talks about not taking drugs. Fair enough message, can't knock it. She's actually dressed a little like Ted DiBiase, which is distracting. The message is "there's no hope with dope" and she reads the essay from the perspective of herself lying dead in a casket because she took drugs. Then, in what is a most surreal turn if you break down exactly what is happening, The Undertaker appears and repeats "there's no hope with dope" and his gong and music plays. Odd.

Back to the ring, childish fat jokes, and to Heenan, who makes a horrible job (name wrong, place name wrong) of saying someone wrote to him and says he will propose to his girlfriend at Raw that night. Hang on, has this turned into a local radio show? Kids reading essays? Shout outs to couples? The cameraman goes the wrong way at first, then focuses on a guy with a bad beard, glasses, mullet combo. He makes Barry Horowitz look like Steven Seagal. Heenan says he will make sure the girl says no.

Back in the ring, Luger appears. Vince says the investigation has taken place into Luger's arm, but Jack Tunney can do nothing about it. They show x-rays of Luger's metal plate, which is a nice touch. Heenan namechecks Dr James Andrews, who gets a good push in WWE from time to time.

So it's Luger v Crush. And this is definitely pre-wellness policy, if you catch my drift. Crush pushes Luger backwards after the first lock up, and Vince sells it like he press slammed Luger into the second row. The two in the ring circle each other while Bobby is in classic Brain-mode on the headset, spouting opinions about the guy due to make the proposal.

There's a test of strength in the ring, and Vince calls Crush "The original Hawaiian punch". Ah, that will be what he meant earlier. Crush actually does military press Luger, who powders. Vince says you can see the screws protruding on Luger's arm. I'd say he probably has one loose.

Crush on top into and out of the break here, taking control with an armbar. Luger gets control back on the outside, and rams Crush into the apron and the ring post. Luger works mainly on Crush's back, meanwhile Heenan continues to be awesome. Luger puts Crush in a bearhug, which the big guys escapes by doing that clapping move round Luger's head. Hang on, isn't Crush's finisher the, errm, Crush to the head (You know, like Khali's vice grip). Why didn't he do that?

Crush makes a pretty decent comeback (I'm actually reasonably impressed with him, here) and eventually locks in said vice grip. He idiotically lets the move go, though, because he spots Doink in the crowd....on the balcony. Yes, because he is going to surprise you from there, isn't he? Crush gestures for Doink to come down for a few minutes - long enough for Luger to recover. Meanwhile, another Doink appears on the opposite balcony. I'd always remembered like 'Evil Doink', but this is pretty lame. Luger knocks Crush over the rope and gets the Hawaiians hand caught. Vince says Luger used the elbow (is it a forearm or an elbow?) but the camera missed it.

Crush is (fast) counted out, and Luger is the winner. That was pretty stupid. I've never understood why bookers will make their babyfaces look like utter morons. That just made Crush look like a sap for being taken in by Luger when he was on top.

After a plug for King of the Ring in June on PPV, and Vince says qualifying matches will be on Superstars. (the graphic says Wrestling Challenge)

Hey, it's Mr Hughes. Have we seen him on Raw yet? He emerges to no music, and will face Jason Knight (yes, the one from ECW). The commentators make very little mention of Mr Hughes to begin with, save for a Savage meekly saying 'debut'. Big Curtis is wrestling in sunglasses, by the way.

Vince eventually says that he think s we will be seeing a lot of Mr Hughes in the coming weeks. He says a number of managers are interested in Hughes. For some reason Heenan has another TV above his monitor, and starts flipping channels. I assume this is to prove they are live, or maybe to show that everything on TV sucks.

Hughes slowly (and I mean slowly) dominates, and wins with a sloppy looking version of a Boss Man Slam.

We go to a pre-tape in the desert, complete with cacti, piebald horses and circling vultures, for the Smoking Gunns. It's a pre-debut vignette. They refer to each other as 'partners' not 'brothers'.

Back in the arena, there are more shots of the 'possibly-soon-to-be-engaged couple', as this is starting to become overkill. Vinny Mac is in the ring, though, and he brings out Shawn Michaels. Vince asks Shawn about a match defending the IC title the week after against......Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Hey, the first two guys in this year's Hall of Fame.

Shawn says NYC is a dump, and he is sick of going there. Vince calls the NYC crowd 'wonderful crowd' and Shawn creases up laughing. Shawn calls McMahon "Vin man", and I'm fairly sure the crowd are chanting "Shawn is Gay". Bobby says they are saying "Shawn is Great".

Vince asks about Mr Perfect. They show footage of Shawn attacking Luger at Mania with a bin, and Shawn calls Perfect "Mr Grover", after "The guy who lives in a trash can on Sesame Street." Oooh, that's Oscar, Shawn. You know, the grouch, and the guy who rapped for Men on a Mission. Oh hell, we've got them to come soon. Something to look forward to.

Perfect emerges from the back to confront Shawn, with refs and agents (I spy Sarge and Patterson) holding him back. They don't do a great job, as Hennig gets in the ring, but Shawn runs away, despite the acrobatic pursuit by Perfect.

After a break, Vince throws to footage from Superstars of Bam Bam threatening Sherri and Tatanka making the save. I miss that little podium near the entrance where they used to do interviews. More footage shows Tatanka missing an entrance because Bam Bam laid him out backstage. Bigelow cuts his hair.

Back to the arena, and I was expecting either Tatanka or Bigelow then, but instead it's Typhoon to face Von Krus, who we met a few episodes ago. It's Vito, pre-dress, and being announced as from Germany.

Vince plugs Shawn v Hacksaw for next week, and says they will try to get Duggan on the phone. Oh, that'll be gripping. It doesn't take them long to get Jim, and brilliantly he says "Hi Vince, Hacksaw Jim Duggan here." I don't know why I found that so funny.

No-one cares about the match, clearly, but Vito gets the best of it early. Duggan talks in riddles on the phone, and I think he is saying that he wants to get to Shawn next week. Although he could be trying to explain string theory or tell you about how the Suez canal was built. It's basically unintelligible babble.

I can just about make out him saying that it is his first match for a title, and the phrase "tough guy". Four times. Typhoon, meanwhile, is on the receiving end throughout. After the call, though he hits an avalanche, a clothesline and a splash for the win.

The main event appears to be the proposal. Bobby interviews them as they sit there grinning like morons. Eventually he stands up and asks her to marry him. You're supposed to be on one knee, idiot. (Hang on, I'm turning into Heenan. Ah, that's not such a bad thing) Bobby asks how many partners they have each had before the other. They both say none. That would have been so much funnier if she'd said "twenty eight".

Heenan asks how they know they are sexually compatible. Ok, this is getting odd now. The guy says they have been going out exactly five years. She has her hand over mouth in shock. Has she given an answer yet? Heenan makes the guy get on one knee and ask properly, which he does. She says yes. Wrestling has warped me so much. I was expecting a heel turn and for her to slap him. Heenan asks if they'll get married on Raw. The guy says no, and I proclaim him the SMARTEST MAN EVER TO APPEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW. Well done, mate. You know how they all end.

Back to Vince and Savage, who wrap up. We get Kamala next week, plus the Headshrinkers. Wow, it's stereotype on Raw next time. Also, it's Shawn v Duggan.

Not wanting to overkill something, Vince hands back to Bobby with 'the lovely couple' but there is only time for Bobby to ask to see the ring, make a fat joke (I think) and ask again if they'll marry on Raw. And we're out.

See you next time.